


But Not Like This

by maybetomorrow



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant through 2x20, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I'm updating tags as I go bc spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-25 11:34:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12035025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maybetomorrow/pseuds/maybetomorrow
Summary: There were so many things Kara still wanted to do - moments she still wanted to share, milestones they had yet to reach, words she wanted to say.And she really wanted them all.  She'd give anything to have them with him.But not like this.--canon compliant through most of 2x20... [written pre-finale]





	But Not Like This

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I write this when finale spoilers were a buzz, so here's a finale rewrite? Sorry in advance.

Amid all the chaos of everything she’d been dealing with — Queen Rhea, the Daxamite army looming ahead, Lillian Luthor — she hadn’t had much time to deal with everything else.It just sucked.Because when she and Mon-El were still new… it felt like she could manage everything she was facing.But now?Now, she knew something was going on with him, and she hardly had time to talk to him, let alone find out what it was and how she could help. 

She was telling Alex just as much.And yes, she probably should have been talking to Mon-El about it, but she wasn’t sure how to go about it.

“So, he’s just not telling you what’s wrong?Is that even like him??” Alex asked, halfway through her second glass of wine.They were both sitting on Kara’s couch on opposite ends, no longer watching the movie they’d turned on only half an hour before.Girl talk was more important, and both of them needed it.

“Exactly!Just last week, he thought he saw his mom, and I know he was fighting to tell me.He needed support, but I don’t think he wanted to ask for it.So, how do I get him to share what’s bothering him with me?I know he loves me, but I feel like he might be holding back.On sharing that kind of thing. And I don’t want him to feel like he has to…”

“You know — Did he tell you as much?How did I miss this?”Kara smiled into her glass.She hadn’t told Alex when it happened because she was still so mad at him then.But then Alex was abducted, and she and Maggie were in their own world — and Kara wanted to let the two of them have their time to be happy and in love and have not a care in the world.Just like she wanted to have that with Mon-El.

“It was when his parents showed up… we weren’t in the best place emotionally when he told me,” Kara confessed.“We haven’t really talked about it since.I hadn’t been ready.I mean, I’m _still_ not ready.”

“To talk about it?” Alex asked, concerned.

“Yeah.”

“So you haven’t told him you love him?”It seemed like Alex already knew the answer, so Kara decided she should just get it over with and elaborate before her sister had the chance to ask.

“I — it hasn't ever been the right time.You know?We were doing great and I’ve been so happy and I realized I love him, but then…”She tossed the last bit of her drink back and reached for the bottle to pour a new glass, something to distract her enough so she could say what she needed to.

“It feels like every moment, there’s something hanging over us.Something looming, threatening to take everything away.When I tell him, I don’t want it to be out of necessity, because it’s now or never, or something like that.I want it to be when I’m ready to say it and he’s ready to hear it and we can just be happy — for a moment.”

Alex pressed her lips together, processing before she responded.“I can’t blame you for that.But listen — if you're worried he’s holding back, maybe you should ask him why.Better yet, tell him how you feel.”

Kara raised her glass to her lips, mumbling into it as she sipped.“I almost told him this morning.”

“Yeah?”The way Alex brightened up made Kara feel a little better about it all.She knew Alex liked Mon-El enough, but having her sister gushing over _her_ love life?That was something she hadn’t ever hoped for.

“It was calm then, before his mother ruined everything.We were curled up in bed, and it almost felt right.”Kara sighed.She had gotten so close and she let her doubt herself, and the moment had slipped by like so many other perfect opportunities had.

“And you didn’t say it.”

“Something always gets in the way.But it was perfect.”She almost let herself slip into a daydream, as if he was back here and everything was as peaceful as it had been this morning.

“Except…?” Alex prompted.

“Do you think he regrets telling me he loves me?Because he hasn’t mentioned it since, and I know I’m — I don’t know.”The thought had gripped her this morning, just as she was working up the courage to say it.Because when he told her he loved her… what if it had just been an act of desperation, a premature confession at the exact moment he knew he was going to lose her.What if he hadn’t wanted to say it, but he made himself.An she didn’t even want to think about _if_ he meant it —

“Kara, that’s ridiculous.Besides, if you were in his shoes, and he hadn’t reciprocated yet, would you really say anything until you were sure he felt the same?”Kara screwed up her face, furrowing her brow as she fought off her doubts and tried to dismiss Alex’s answer simultaneously. 

“I hate when you’re right,” she said, when she finally settle into accepting the answer. 

“Just tell him.Don’t wait for when it’s right, because if you wait much more, it’ll be too late.Life is too short to love someone and never let them know.”

***

Somehow, miraculously, they made it through the Daxamite Invasion.Rhea was dead — shot — and although some of the Daxamites were still fighting, most seemed to be giving up, or at least to be losing their strength.

When the Daxamite ships began to move away from National City, Kara rushed back to headquarters.Mon-El said to meet him back at the DEO.He said he would be there.And yet, she flew across the city, listening intently for his heartbeat, and she was coming up with _nothing_.And when she reached the building, she knew something was wrong.

She rushed in, ready to call out to Winn to help her figure out what was happening, when a voice rang out from in front of her.

“Winn, I need you to patch me through to Kara, can you do that?I need to talk to her.”Mon-El.He was okay.But he — he wasn’t here?

“Mon-El, I’m right here.” Kara spoke up before Winn had the chance.Winn whipped around in surprise.“What’s going on?”

“I’m redirecting the fleet,” he said.“If everything goes well, they’ll be through the atmosphere in a minute or two.”

“What do you need me to do?How can I help?”She was ready to fly off wherever he said.And she wasn’t the only one.Winn sat at his desk, fingers at the ready.J’onn was already back in his true form.Alex had rushed to Kara’s side.Everyone was waiting for whatever Mon-El said he needed.

“Babe, I just need to hear your voice,” came his soft whisper.Kara watched as everyone around her softened, knowing there was no battle left to be fought.And yet, Kara felt no more assured that everything was over.

“Okay.”She took a deep breath, ready to talk him through whatever he needed.Winn was back to typing away, pulling up the fleet’s trajectory and a countdown that marked just under two minutes.

“Ah!” Mon-El groaned, and Kara went on high alert.And it seemed, the momentary peace in the DEO was suspended as everyone realized something was off.

“Mon-El, are you alright?” Kara shouted, a little too loudly.Desperate.Fearful.

“It’s okay.It’s okay,” he said, as if through gritted teeth.

“What happened?” she asked, panic and acid rising up into her throat.

He took a sharp and ragged breath before answering.“Who knew one little bullet could hurt so much?”He was trying to joke, to lighten the mood like he always did, she knew.He had done this the last time he got shot, when he told her she could tell everyone he was scared.Back then, it had made her feel better, because she had been so scared, too.But now, it scared her even more, because he knew how serious this actually was.

“Mon-El!”

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.What matters now is that I get this ship out of here.”Kara shook her head, tears forming.Here he was, being a hero without her, and she couldn’t stand watching him do it alone. 

She should be there.She could have taken care of it.She thought about the ship Lillian tried to launch into space, how helpless Mon-El must have felt then as she went in with no backup.Then it had been her sister — safe, but trapped on the ship — and Kara fought like hell to keep her safe.Now it was him, and her heart was seizing up.Him trying to get the entire Daxamite fleet out of the atmosphere and into the depths of space on his own.Before, it had just been her and Alex trying to keep the ship here.Still —

It had felt like life or death then, too. 

There were fewer casualties this time.Fewer stakes.But this felt _worse_. It felt hopeless.

“No, what matters is us getting that bullet out and making sure the lead doesn’t spread.”

There was radio silence for a few deafening seconds.She couldn’t think of anything to say to convince him to get back to the DEO — _now —_ so she could make sure he was okay.And beneath all the hurt, she was angry at him for going off on his own without telling her and getting hurt in the process.But mostly, she was scared out of her mind.

“Tell me something happy.Please, Kara.” 

She said the first thing that came to mind.“Winn is working on your suit.He showed me yesterday, and — it’s amazing.Tell him, Winn.”She looked over to Winn, who was nodding sadly.She knew he had wanted to keep it a secret, but of all the things she could say, this one was the first she could bring herself to.

“It’s some of my best work, if I say so myself,” Winn offered.

“Awesome.Tell me more.”He sounded eager, but there was still strain in his voice, as if breathing enough to speak was taking too much out of him.

“I can’t spoil it for you, Mon-El.You just have to get back here and try it on yourself.”Her voice gave out as she said the last words, and she could feel the flood coming. 

“At least give me _something_.”Despite the circumstances, he was still teasing her, trying to make her smile.Rao above, she _loved_ him. 

“You’ve got a cape,” she said, tears falling freely now.

“Is it heavy?”She couldn’t help but laugh at the playfulness in his tone.She thought back to the night he decided _this_ — what he was doing now … being a hero — was what he wanted.He had _wanted_ this.All the suffering, the danger, the hopefulness — he had known what he was getting into and he still chose it.Just like she had.

“The heaviest.You’re going to love it.”

He gave a full laugh, and she could practically picture the look on his face.She wished she was there to see it — there to help him — more than anything in this world.Then he was hissing in pain, and her throat seized up.

“Keep talking Kara, please,” he begged.

“I don’t know what to say.I don’t know how to make this better.”Her voice was breaking, fighting her with every syllable, but she was trying to keep him from hearing it.The big screen ahead of her showed 30 seconds left on the countdown.Thirty seconds until the engines hit full thrust and he’d be on the opposite side of the atmosphere.And she didn’t know when — or how — he was going to get back.

“Tell me anything.Tell me something about home.Yours.Mine.Whichever.”

“I want you to move in with me,” she blurted out.She hadn’t meant for them to have this conversation in front of everyone.She felt the heat rising to her cheeks.But she wanted to ask — no, she _needed_ to ask him.Even if it was implied.Even if it already seemed like they lived together.She needed it to be real in its purest sense.  
“You do?”He asked, not expecting her response.

“Of course I do.I mean, it’s basically _our_ apartment anyway.Besides, I like having you around.And waking up with you.I want that — everyday.”

“I want that too, Kara.I do.”

“So you’ll move in?”

“Of course.”His voice was soft and breathy — the way it always got in the moments before he fell asleep.Kara looked at the countdown.Seconds.Seconds between having him and losing him.Maybe even for good.

“Then we’ll get you moved in the moment you come home, okay?” Kara took a shaky breath, deciding that, even though she said now-or-never wasn’t what she wanted, she still needed to say it.Now.Because the concept of never saying it was unbearable.

“I love you, Mon-El.”

There was silence from his comm, but she could still hear him breathing — slowly, in stasis.

“Mon-El?” She called out, her voice breaking.Alex rushed to Kara’s side and wrapped her arms around her little sister.And Kara stood there shaking, watching the little blip on the screen move further and further away, until Winn had the sense to shut it off. 

Everything was still and silent.

“He can’t just—”

“Shh, Kara.We will get him back.”Alex stood behind Kara and held her as tightly as she could, even as Kara resisted.Eventually, Kara collapsed into the embrace, reaching up to hold her sister’s arms, a gentle comfort in a world that felt like it was falling apart.

“You don’t know that,” she whispered through sobs, unwilling to pull her gaze from the now black screen.

“You’re right, Kara.I don’t know if _we_ will.But you know what I _do_ know?You will.You will find a way.You always do.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. This hurts me. But it's not the end. So let me know your feels?
> 
> And find me on tumblr: karadanversprince if you feel like it. :)


End file.
